Category Archives: Humor

Shocking STR8 Kiss: V-J Day

Recently, the military homecoming pictures of two couples have made the news. The first, Petty officers Marissa Gaeta and Citlalic Snell, won the chance to be the first to kiss after Gaeta’s ship returned from 80 days at sea last December, the first time that had happened since the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal went into effect. The second picture rocketed across the internet a week ago, when Marine Sgt. Brandon Morgan returned after a six-month deployment in Afghanistan and shared his first kiss with boyfriend Dalan Wells on the tarmac in Hawaii.

military-kisses-homocoming
If this doesn't melt your heart, you don't have one.

Anti-gay zealot Peter LaBarbera, who a year ago ran the non-attended Truth* Academy in Columbus, reacted predictably, posting each photo with weird censor bars over the adorable couples’ lips. Here’s a link to his post about Gaeta and Snell, and one on Morgan and Wells.

I want to slam LaBarbera hard (not like that) for this, but he’s not alone in his attempt to continue the fiction that gay people kissing is shocking and pornographic. In November of 2010, British censors pixelated a gay kiss in Katy Perry’s Firework video. A kiss between Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem was censored out of last year’s Oscars telecast. Twice in 2011, Facebook administrators censored pictures of gay men kissing. And that’s just off the top of my head.

So in the interest of turnabout and tit-for-tat and trying to get straight people to understand what that kind of nonsense looks like from the other side, here is the first of an open-ended series of censored straight kisses. Don’t worry, this is the only one that will be long-winded.

In honor of our two military couples, I thought we should begin with Alfred Eisenstaedt’s iconic V-J Day kiss in Time Square, censored for your protection.

Click for the uncensored version, if you dare!
Click for the uncensored version, if you dare!
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Ex-Gays Meet, Hilarity Ensues On ‘Web Therapy’

web-therapy-lisa-kudrow-meryl-streepLately I’ve been re-watching Lisa Kudrow’s acclaimed improv series Web Therapy. The previously internet-only series relaunched on Showtime last month, so a whole new audience is being introduced to Dr. Fiona Wallice’s brand of psychological help.

Michelle and Marcus Bachmann (and other closet homosexuals/ex-gays) have been all over the news lately, so what better time to showcase my favorite episodes of the series, which skewer the subject quite expertly. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Meryl Streep guest stars.

Here’s the final of the three ex-gay episodes, in which the inevitable happens. Oh yes it does. As Camilla says, there is a lot of backsliding, literally.

Part 1 | Part 2

[box]Reverse Psychology: In the final installment, Fiona gives Camilla a hands-on demonstration of the effectiveness — or otherwise — of Camilla’s therapeutic techniques when she arranges a meeting with Camilla’s husband.[/box]

Special Bonus Outtakes!

More Hilarious Mockery Of Ex-Gay Therapy From Lisa Kudrow & Meryl Streep

web-therapy-lisa-kudrow-meryl-streepLately I’ve been re-watching Lisa Kudrow’s acclaimed improv series Web Therapy. The previously internet-only series relaunched on Showtime last month, so a whole new audience is being introduced to Dr. Fiona Wallice’s brand of psychological help.

Michelle and Marcus Bachmann (and other closet homosexuals/ex-gays) have been all over the news lately, so what better time to showcase my favorite episodes of the series, which skewer the subject quite expertly. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Meryl Streep guest stars.

Here’s the second of the three ex-gay episodes. I have to say, Kudrow is a wonderful straight man. (So to speak.)

Part 1 | Part 3

[box]Healing Touch: Fiona is eager to join Kip in his recovery, but discovers that his treatment with Camilla has progressed quickly — and alarmingly — beyond the usual talk and aversion therapy.[/box]

Meryl Streep & Lisa Kudrow Talk Ex-Gay Husbands On ‘Web Therapy’

web-therapy-lisa-kudrow-meryl-streepLately I’ve been re-watching Lisa Kudrow’s acclaimed improv series Web Therapy. The previously internet-only series relaunched on Showtime last month, so a whole new audience is being introduced to Dr. Fiona Wallice’s brand of psychological help.

Michelle and Marcus Bachmann (and other closet homosexuals/ex-gays) have been all over the news lately, so what better time to showcase my favorite episodes of the series, which skewer the subject quite expertly. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Meryl Streep guest stars.

Here’s the first of the three ex-gay episodes. Best line of the episode goes to Meryl Streep, for her husband’s book “No One Said You Have To Like It: Sex Tips For Ex-Gays.”

Stay tuned! More to come next week!

Part 2 | Part 3

[box]Aversion Therapy: Renowned sexual orientation therapist Camilla Bowner contacts Fiona about her new client Kip Wallice, who happens to be the most resistant man to the female form she’s ever encountered — and she’s convinced Fiona is to blame![/box]

No Masks At Disappointing Gay Best Friend’s Wedding!

It’s been four days since last Friday’s big victory in New York and I still haven’t said anything about it. While it’s a pretty damn big win and it’s been great to see how excited people got*, I find that I don’t really have a lot to say about it that everybody else hasn’t already said.

So here’s a heck of funny youtube clip from the always hilarious Disappointing Gay Best Friend video series by Mikala Bierma and Tyler Coates, directed by Mike Lacher.

She means well, y’all. She really does.

And I just can’t help but share my favorite installment so far:

Sadly, I am Tyler in both of these videos. Tragic, I know.


* Par exemple, this fabulous gay boy's video reaction to the news:

He’s a spunky kid and I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of jealous of him right now.

Tracy Morgan and Kevin Hart: Two Peas in an Anti-Gay Pod

It’s been about a week since comedian Tracy Morgan’s anti-gay, kill-his-son rant became publicly known. Here’s what audience member Kevin Rogers heard, which Morgan has acknowledged saying:

…Mr. Morgan took it upon himself to mention about how he feels all this gay shit was crazy and that women are a gift from God and that “Born this Way” is bullshit, gay is a choice, and the reason he knows this is exactly because “God don’t make no mistakes” (referring to God not making someone gay cause that would be a mistake).

He said that there is no way a woman could love and have sexual desire for another woman, that’s just a woman pretending because she hates a fucking man.

He mentioned that gay was something kids learn from the media and programming, and that bullied kids should just bust some ass and beat those other little fuckers that bully them, not whine about it.

He said if his son that was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [he mimicked a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death.

We're not laughing.
We're not laughing.

Of course, Morgan gave the usual PR-driven “I’m sorry for the words I chose” non-apology. In response, Carl Siciliano of the Ali Forney Center in New York City made a brilliant invitation to Morgan:

“We appreciate Tracy Morgan’s apology, but wish to invite him to meet with some of our young people who have endured violence and rejection from their families for being LGBT, so that he can better understand the human suffering caused by those who promote homophobia against youths.”

I hope Morgan takes them up on the invitation. It could prove to be a life-changing event.

I also hope that he brings fellow comedian and recent costar Kevin Hart with him. Hart has a similar anti-gay rant in his stand-up DVD Seriously Funny, released late last year. To wit:

One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and being gay. That’s a fear.

Now keep in mind, I’m not homophobic. I got nothing against gay people. Be happy. Do what you want to do. But me being a heterosexual male, if I can keep my son from being gay, I will!

Now, with that being said, I’m not sure I handled my son’s first gay moment correctly. Every kid has a gay moment. Every kid. But when it happens you got to nip it in the bud, you got to stop it right then. “HEY! STOP! THAT’S GAY!” Quick. “NO!”

I don’t know if I handled my son’s situation right, okay? He’s at a birthday party, right? My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. You know how kids play, they just play. You don’t know what they’re doing, but they’re having a good time. They’re just doing a bunch of stuff. Right? They’re moving around.

I said, okay, he’s good. I finished talking, I turned back around to check on my son again, a little boy was grinding on my son’s ass.

I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and knocked them both down. “Hey, what’s going on here? What kind of party is this? Huh? What kind of party is this? What’s going on here?”

This lady came out, she’s like, “What are you doing, they’re kids, let them play.” I said, “Well you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm down.”

Will we hold the less famous Kevin Hart to the standard we seem to be holding Tracy Morgan to? So far, the answer is a disappointing no.

Following FOX’s Racist Reaction, Common Performs At The White House

Speaking of racism, Jon Stewart took to The Daily Show to call out FOX for their latest manufactured controversy, this time after First Lady Michelle Obama invited famous poet Common to perform at the White House’s annual Poetry Slam last week.

FOX’s reaction was…let’s just say it was transparently racist.

(I don’t know why Comedy Central split the segment in two, but watch both parts. Because I said so, that’s why.)

Standing ovation for Jon Stewart, folks. Once again he’s right on the money.

Of course, the show did go on and Common did perform at the White House. Here’s a quick snippet of Common’s performance. It isn’t included in the White House video because he sampled a copyrighted work, but this will have to do until someone releases the whole thing.

UPDATE 5/15: A few minutes ago, Common posted a fuller (but still not complete) version of his performance that includes some behind the scenes moments and a word from back in his hotel room after the Poetry Slam. Enjoy!

(Do watch the official video. There are some damn fine performances in there. I adored Jill Scott' selections.)

It Gets Better: ‘If You’re Gay Old People, You Can Get Away With A Lot’

It Gets Better: Harry And Wayne

I just realized that I haven’t written a single post about the It Gets Better Project. Isn’t that ridiculous? Especially now that the It Gets Better book is available, there’s just no excuse for it.

This is one of the first IGB videos I saw when the project started last October, and it’s still one of my favorites. Harry and Wayne put together a great piece on the common hardships so many LGBT people face and gave some practical tips for surviving such a difficult time.

I’ve always had an affinity for older people. Maybe that’s one reason I like this couple so much.

Aren’t they the best?

Stuart Smalley Is My Copilot

Sometimes I don’t think I could make it without Stuart Smalley. NBC has done a fantastic job of getting all the good SNL/Stuart Smalley video clips off the internet, but you know who I’m talking about, right?

I'm shoulding all over myself.
I'm shoulding all over myself.

Of course, Stuart was created and played by Al Franken, the comedian turned author turned talk show host turned Senator.

I don’t know how to transition from that sentence to the next paragraph, and that’s okay. My transitions don’t have to be perfect. Whatever I write will be good enough!

Although, having a good transition shows that I care about what I’m writing, and if I leave it just good enough people will think I don’t care. Well I don’t care! … I mean, I don’t care what they think, because I do care about what I’m writing even though it might look like I don’t care.

In 1992, Franken recorded what I consider to be his best comedic work ever (not to be grandiose), a book on tape called “You’re Good Enough, You’re Smart Enough, And Doggone It People Like You: A Healing Journey Through The Dysfunctional Forest And Other Guided Visualizations.” (It’s a long title, but that’s…okay. It’s appropriate.)

This is what I like to call stamina comedy. There’s a point about 35 minutes into the hour-long recording where you just don’t think you can take any more, but if you push through the pain, the reward is amazing.

Here’s a fifteen minute sample courtesy of audible.com that I totally didn’t rip from their website. (This clip begins at about the ten minute mark.)

[wpaudio url=”http://blog.mattalgren.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/stuart-smalley-sample.mp3″ text=”It will be perfect in its imperfection. Okay.”]

Seriously, buy the audiobook. You won’t regret it, and it’s cheap as free anyway, so what do you have to lose? Also check out the companion book “I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me,” which was released at the same time.

P.S. We do not speak of the movie. EVER.