You guys. This. Is. EPIC.
Patti Stanger, a person I’d never heard of until Monday, is apparently the centerpiece of some millionaire matchmaker show on Bravo. You know, the Bravo that spends a lot of time courting a gay audience. For some reason she appeared on Andy Cohen‘s Bravo talk show Watch What Happens Live and made ridiculously offensive generalizations about gay men. It was horrifying for all involved, though she didn’t seem to catch the look on Cohen’s face.
(She also said that all Jewish men are liars, which is equally appalling.)
Okay, here’s what I want to know: Why in the hell didn’t Andy Cohen kick this useless pair of fake tits with bad extensions off the show when she told him that gay men can’t be monogamous? Or how about when she said that telling a man he looks straight is a compliment, because it means he’s not “queeny.” Bitch should have been out the door before that word got past her fake plastic lips.
I’m sorry, were we not supposed to mention how obviously fake they are?
But since Andy Cohen didn’t take that responsibility, pretty much the entire online community sounded a collective WTF for the next twelve hours. When Patti found out that people didn’t think her awesome stereotypes, while handy and time-saving, were hilarious, she took to twitter to “apologize.” Here’s what it looked like:
Okay, here’s where it gets personal for me. See, I caught wind of this mess during my lunch break at work, and like everyone who lives online, I checked on twitter, found the fake apology, and tweeted back a couple of my famously witty rejoinders, which included introducing Patti to Peter LaBarbera. I think they’d really hit it off.
Then CNN quoted one of my tweets. I’M FAMOUS, Y’ALL!!!
The quote came as part of an article about Patti’s appearance on Joy Bahar’s show on Monday night, in which she “apologized” again, then said that gays are whores. But she loves us, she really does. She has all sorts of gay friends!
Okay, first of all? No, that wasn’t the question. Scroll back up and check the tape. The question was from Dustin in Canton, Ohio, who wanted to know about open long distance relationships, not Tyler in Los Angeles, who wanted a commitment. (Tyler was the one you “complimented” by saying he looked straight, remember? I know we all look the same; maybe we could all wear differently colored hats to help you tell us apart.)
Secondly, yes, you said all gays, not “gays in Los Angeles,” which I’m sure would be offensive to a lot of LA gays, too.
Thirdly, Grindr can definitely have a sex-now atmosphere, but nothing in the culture surrounding Grindr requires me to locate a rest stop bathroom before I get fucked. I’m allowed to do that in my own house. (I know, right? THEY LET ME DO THAT!!) And the reason for Grindr’s GPS is that there aren’t a heck of a lot of us around, and it’s nice to know that I may not be able to swing a dead cat and hit a homo out here in Dayton, Ohio, but my brothers in arms are indeed out here.
(By the way, the straight equivalent of Grindr? 99 percent of bars, movie theaters, gas stations, schools, workplaces, and streets all across the country.)
Fourth, saying “I’m sorry if [insert person or group here] is offended” is not an apology. It’s an effort to move responsibility for what you did back at the other party. Either apologize or don’t; just don’t pretend to apologize. It’s offensive, it’s childish, and however little I may think of you, I’m pretty sure it’s beneath both of us.
Okay, let’s continue. (I just can’t get enough of Patti digging her hole deeper!)
Patti and everybody else needs to understand this last point, so I’m putting it in a nice bold font: Getting married to the person you choose is not a privilege. It is a Civil Right.
The US Supreme Court has defined choosing the person you marry as a Civil Right for nigh on a hundred years. Calling it a ‘privilege’ demeans the institution and the blood that was spilled to afford Americans — ALL Americans — that right.
Look, I’m not going to lose a lot of sleep over some fame whore being a bigot. But honey, what you’re saying? They are words of bigotry. Own it. Saying that “The Gays” are categorically defined as whores, or even that we’re all great motherfucking home decorators, is not something you do if you have an atom of affection for a group of people.
And seriously, call Peter. He’d love to get his hands on your extensions, girl.